Life is Short: Notes from a Funeral Home.
Rev. Carin Bonifacino
Rev. Carin Bonifacino writes about life, death, and love for both Grieco and Naugle Funeral Homes in the "Life is Short: Notes from a Funeral Home" blog. She is an active funeral and memorial service celebrant, a funeral director's assistant, and a death educator. Carin co-leads the monthly "Death Conversations Kennett Square" with Susan Grieco and is the co-founder of "Friends of Green Burial PA," an education and advocacy organization related to natural burial in the state of Pennsylvania. You can reach her at cbonifacino@griecofunerals.com
But I’d like to pose a question to you - what if you wrote your own obituary? What if you wrote it right now? Today? How would you sum up your life thus far? What would be the highlights? As you look back, what would you say has mattered most and what’s been most meaningful? If you could write any last words to the people you love, what would they be? To whom might you express gratitude and to whom might you impart advice?
Something that I like to remind people, when I’m officiating a funeral or memorial service, is to continue to reach out to those most deeply impacted by the loss, in the weeks, months, and years afterwards. I like to remind them that you can’t make a person “more sad” by mentioning the name of the person who died and in fact, you will have the opposite effect. By saying the name of the person who died, you will make a grieving person happy.
In the modern era, many people have forgotten what the reasons are for having a funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life. As more people move away from traditional religion and as we as a society have less and less experience in the realm of death and dying, the necessity for a gathering of some kind after a loved one’s death, can seem unimportant. “It’s not going to bring the person back,” some might say. “It’s just a lot of formality,” others might say.
When Danny was born his parents were overjoyed. They could not believe how precious he was, how perfect. They kissed his fingers and toes and loved him as the beautiful new being that he was. Baby Danny was welcomed into their extended families with much jubilation.
Let’s start with a visualization exercise: I invite you to imagine a wildflower meadow. It is a mix of tall grasses and tall flowers. The flowers are yellow and white and purple and all around this field are dancing butterflies and busy honey bees and, occasionally, birds swoop by to snatch an insect from the air or to pick some seeds from a plant.
Despite what many people think, there are no rules when it comes to holding or creating a funeral or memorial service for someone you loved. None. I have officiated services in churches and funeral homes, in parks and country clubs, under tents in a field and in living rooms and backyards.
When Jerry’s wife died, he knew he wanted to be at the funeral home when her body was cremated. He and Sharon had started out as high school sweethearts. Over the decades, they had two children together and had supported and loved one another through all the ups and downs that life can bring - career changes, moves, and the illnesses and deaths of both their parents.
I am a fan of flowers. Everyone is different but, personally, I can’t imagine anything more appropriate, healing, or uplifting after a death than bouquets or arrangements of fresh flowers. In my book, they are pure joy, and when I have received them after a loss they gave me so much more value than whatever the person paid for them.
When my husband died in 2014, his loss was sudden and unexpected. It blindsided us all - his family, friends, co-workers, and extended community. He was young and it was tragic. As a widow, my main focus was on my children who were 12 and 14 years old at the time.
When I was in my early twenties, studying plants and learning how to grow things for a living, I had no idea that three decades later, I’d be officiating funerals and memorial services and writing eulogies for a living. I had no idea that my own personal losses would put me on a trajectory to work with grieving people and to spend time with them, asking questions, and learning about the lives of their loved ones. It is such a beautiful line of work.
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